Tinier Bubbles

It's that time again. The date on the calender insists that I sit back and come up with some life changing goal for the upcoming 365 days. I had such success last year with my resolutions, that I'm feeling a bit over confident when it comes to this year's list. I mean really. If I can wrestle with my inbox and win then surely there isn't anything that I can't do right?

So while I thought about such lofty notions as scaling Mount Everest and finding a cure for the common cold, I eventually nixed those ideas in favor of something more personal. Something that I truly need to work on. That something is: my bubble.

I can feel your confusion wafting through the internet. Don't worry, it's not you. I did drink the entire bottle of chardonnay that my husband insists makes his iced tea taste funny if left open in the refrigerator, so I probably am not making a lot of sense. But let me just try to explain, and if at the end of this post you're still confused, I'll try to clarify again when the vino has left my system, agreed?

If you know me, then I'm sure that you've noticed that I have put into place a bubble that surrounds my entire being. This invisible barrier keeps everyone but my immediate family at a distance. It's more than just a physical boundary though it is true that I do become very uncomfortable when anyone other than my spouse or offspring enters my personal space. Of course, that's a whole 'nother can of worms that perhaps we'll open in coming years. For now, let's work on the part of my bubble that is an emotional fortress. In layman's terms: the part of me that is very guarded.

Not that being reserved is entirely a bad thing. I think it's just a by product of having an introverted personality which apparently I do have since I took the quiz that was in one of my magazines and received the result that I am 100% a hermit. No, I'm exaggerating. I only tend to be reclusive 99% of the time.

But, I think that sometimes maybe people get the wrong idea regarding the reasons behind my bubble-sustaining behaviors. I think that often others believe that I keep them at arm's length because I am snobby because I somehow think that I am better than they are. Or because I don't think that they're worth my time. This could not be further from the truth.

It would probably take years of psychoanalysis for me to put into words exactly how I feel or to give name to the reasons behind my actions, but generally speaking it's that I don't want to make a nuisance of myself. I don't want to bother people. But, my definition of bother is probably much broader than that of your average sane person. For instance, I think that I might bother someone if I pick up the phone to call her. Or friend her on Facebook. Or walk over and talk to her if I see her at the mall. Completely demented--I know. But a person's idiosyncrasies aren't exactly known for being rational, are they?

When I look at myself and my behaviors as objectively as possible, I can see how my actions--or lack there of--could be viewed in such a way as it would appear that I feel that I am superior to everyone else. Which is in fact the exact opposite of how I view the world since I believe that no one could possibly be interested in what I say, do, or think. I can see how sometimes I might hurt someone's feelings when I don't make that call, and the last thing that I want to do ever is make someone feel badly. So, I have in the past made efforts to move toward a more extroverted version of myself--with varying degrees of success.

Ali Edwards is well known in the scrapbooking world. Some may even go so far as to label her a crafting goddess. Anyway, on her blog, she encourages her readers to choose a word that will help to guide them along the path that they envision themselves traveling in the coming year. I think for this year, my word will be open. I will be open to the possibility that others might actually want to be inside my bubble. I will, thus, work to chisel out a door in my bubble that will open for them. We might have to work out a secret knock/password combination, but those details can be ironed out later.

So, I guess to sum up: My name is Laura, and I know that at times I can seem extremely cold and unfeeling, but it is my intention to make a more concerted effort to work on changing that impression in 2010. If faced with the choice between appearing annoying versus appearing uncaring, I want to always choose the former. Unfortunately, the practice of actually making that choice is more tangled than making the change in theory, so I am sure that I will stumble many times along the way. In other words, don't be surprised if this particular resolution finds its way on to my list next year. Just know that I am working on it, and that I do care even if my actions might seem to suggest otherwise.