Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Two Thoughts Tuesday: Conspiracy Theories

1) Take a bag of Hershey's Miniatures. The delectableness of the 4 candies can be ranked as follows:

Mr. Goodbar > Special Dark > Krackel > Milk Chocolate

Yet the quantity found in a given bag goes as follows:

Milk Chocolate > Krackel > Mr. Goodbar > Special Dark

Something is amiss here folks.

2) My iPhone has been acting all kinds of wonky lately. It started with apps freezing or crashing which, let's face it, as buggy as the phone is, that's to be expected really.  And the iPod will suddenly  decide to start playing my entire song library from the beginning when I'm in the middle of listening to an album. Those little annoyances were followed by a This accessory is not optimized for the iPhone message or some such nonsense when the phone isn't even hooked up to an accessory. All of this is odd yes, but fixable by a full restart.

Then the other night while I was listening to the iPod trying to fall off into blissful sleep, this is what I heard:

   He’s the doo doo one

Who likes all our doo doo  pretty songs

And doo doo he likes to sing along

And he likes to shoot his gun doo doo

But he knows not doo doo what it means

Knows not what it means

doo doo when I say

He’s the one

For those unfamiliar with iPhone sounds or my interpretation thereof, doo doo is the sound of voice control being activated. To activate voice control, one must press and hold down the home button which I wasn't doing as my hands were folded in yoga prayer pose in an effort to ensure a happy venture into dreamland. Voice control was activating itself! Which is annoying in general but particularly so in this case as every doo doo you see required me to open my eyes and press the cancel button to get back to the song--which then sped up super fast until the next doo doo,  I finally gave up and threw the phone on the floor and ohm'd myself to sleep instead.

Now, I find it to be a little too coincidental that the iPhone5 is slated to be released this fall and my iPhone 4's little quirks appear to multiplying exponentially as we near that date. I think Steve Jobs had a self destruct file installed on every iPhone that he activates with glee as we approach the release of a newer model. I mean all of these problems my phone has certainly couldn't have been caused by the 34 times a day I drop it, the sticky kid fingers that manhandle it, or that time I accidentally let it slip into my bubble-filled bathtub, can they? No. It is a conspiracy of the highest order. Clearly.

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